Everything That Shines Aint Gonna Be Golden.

These are thoughts that probably shouldn’t be posted online:
But I’m doing it anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very lucky person. And I’m so happy to be alive. I just need to get this out.
This is a story about my mom.
Most people consider their mom to be their best friend, but my mom.. She scares me half to death. I wake up every morning to her screaming (not exaggerating) at me. Obscene things like “get your ass out of bed” or “damn it Haylie, get out of bed”. On the days she’s not home, and she’s at work(which is about half the week) I wake up terrified, and go on a rampage of cleaning the house and doing every possible chore I can before she gets home in hopes that she wont find anything to yell at me for. I never have a normal conversation with her, its constant yelling at me.. I know that we are commanded to honor thy father and mother, so I TRY very had to do so. But sometimes I break down, yell a couple things back and run to my room crying. I go to sleep most nights feeling terrible about myself, this is because I went though a whole day of my mom yelling at me, making fun of me, and telling me I’m a “piece of shit daughter”. I feel no love from her anymore. I feel like your mom is usually the person you go to talk to when something is bothering you. But I can’t even talk to my mom. So at times I feel extremely alone. With no one to talk to. My own mom makes me feel like a failure. She tells me how worthless I am more often then I love you. She’s told me she hopes I get left out in a desert with no one to help me. She tells me I’m messed up. I’m screwed up. She tells me she’s ‘done” with me almost everyday.
I think the most painful thing about this is,
I’ve spent my whole life trying to be a good daughter, that’s why I am the way I am, I think I’m a very responsible and obedient daughter.. And all she has to say for it is I’m a failure, and she’s done with me.
I was diagnosed with depression my senior year of high school, I started taking a medication for it about a year ago, I was suggested to go see councilors but refused, I was to scared to open up to much to one person, because the one person I opened up to replied back in hurtful ways a majority of the time. I’ve felt really happy the past 8 months, some people tell me I’m the happiest person they know, and that I’m always smiling. I moved back home about two weeks ago, and I don’t think I’ve been this sad in a while. I hate being in my house. I beg people to do something with me daily because I need to get out of my house. I lock myself in my bedroom most days, cause I’m scared of what my mom has to say. I live in fear of my mother. I live with hardly any confidence. Recently I’ve tried to explain to her that she needs to take things easy and not get so mad, but that makes her more mad, she thinks its me and my dads fault she is the way she is.
I feel very heart broken at the moment. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I didn’t write this for sympathy, attention, or to bag on my mom. I wrote this for myself, and to clear my head. And to anyone that’s reading this, my mom really is amazing, her life is hard, and she has been through a lot.
I just wish it wasn’t taken out on me.
My name is Mahala, and I'm on the pursuit of happiness.